I had a pair of dreams last night in which I was driving over ruts. In the first dream I was exiting a parking lot that was heavily rutted with old dried mud that sometimes stood or sank a couple of feet. I was nervous about getting caught in them, but I was able to easily turn and drive over them getting to where I wanted to go. In the other dream I was on a road that was all loose gravel. The ruts on this road were shallow. I wound up following on of the ruts, actually driving in it.
I've been researching dreams lately and found the images of the ruts very intriguing. Immediately I associate ruts negatively. We talk about being stuck in a rut, needing change. I tried to make different associations with the image of ruts. I can see how ruts can be guiding, like a well worn path keeping us safe from surrounding dangers as they are tried and true. They can indicate doing something very common that many before me have already done. I'd like to hear any associations you can make with ruts.
I thought about the dreams for a while as I considered what is going on in my life. While my life seems exciting in our moving from country to country (and it is) it is easy for me to fall into a daily routine that doesn't get me out exploring the area. That was more understandable in Tashkent, it is inexcusable in Munich. So, last week I kicked myself out onto the street and explored the city a little. This is intimidating for me so I admit with some embarrassment that this was a big deal. I visited Nymphenburg Castle. I'd attach a picture, but dumb cluck here didn't bother to take any pictures. I'm just not a picture person. Sorry. Back to my not being in a rut. I have started practicing piano again after being without it for about a year and a half. I have even chosen a new challenging Chopin piece to learn. I'm focusing most of my writing on my novel on which is I'm making good progress. I have even changed up my exercise routine. Twice a week I get on a stationary bike and do my best to imitate the Spinning classes I used to take - right down to the puddle of sweat on the floor, bright red face and various promises to God if He'll let me live through this. Two or three times a week I go through the weight machine circuit then get on the treadmill and do a mix of fast walking (4.4 MPH) and skipping. I've never been a runner. I'm proud that I'm skipping. It's hard to keep up and I work hard. Forgive me if I've said this before, but I do get a little embarrassed if the marines are in the gym pumping tons and doing pull ups and sit ups with weights. I want to announce, "This is like the widows mite! Comparatively, I'm working as hard as you all are!" But I don't. I just try to stay invisible.
I'm not in a rut. So I considered the dreams again. In the first as I am leaving a parking lot to enter onto a road. Perhaps there is some meaning there. Maybe as I head into new territory (being published? learning the difficult Chopin piece on my own?) I need to watch closely and avoid the ruts. Maybe since, in the dream, I was able to successfully drive over the ruts the message to me is I'm on the right track. That would be nice.
A rut is not always a bad thing to be in. As I mentioned before, they can be guides keeping us on the right path. Some people consider a long marriage a rut. That is one rut I intend to stay in. Um, not that being with Doug is a rut. It's not. I didn't mean it that way at all. It's great. Really Maybe I've said enough. I'd rather find myself in an exercise rut rather than not care for myself in that way. I guess, in that sense, there are ruts and there are habits. Ruts tend to be seen more as traps, thoughtless places we leave ourselves in.
This brings to mind a scene I witnessed at the YMCA. A young boy (9 or 10) was running wild around the lobby and halls. His mother stood in one place, waited for him to run by and gently called his name. He came over to her. She waited until he looked her in the eye (she had to wait, but she didn't have to tell him to) then she said, "I want you to act deliberately." He was out of breath and sweating. Through his breathing he replied, "Okay."
That's what we need. We need to act deliberately. I have so many reasons to stay in this marriage it would take pages to fill. That's a good rut. I started to fall into an afternoon lay-on-the-couch-and-read-while-eating-candy-then-sleep rut. That would not be a good rut to fall into. That's the kind of rut I'm very capable of stretching on for miles and miles until it's so deep I can't see over the edges. I know this because this is a rut I was in while living in St. Paul. It was, interestingly enough, a dream that pulled me, no jolted me out of that rut. Briefly, I dreamed that I was home taking a nap in the middle of the day and Douglas came home. I didn't want him to catch me napping so I tried to get up and greet him, but I couldn't move. He came upstairs and laid in bed with me and held me while talking, "I know this is hard, but you know it's for the best and it will be over soon." I realized in the dream that he was poisoning me and he had come home to be with me when I died. That was why I couldn't move. I woke up very upset with this dream. So what did I do? I rolled over and went back to sleep then dreamed the same dream again. This had never happened to me before nor has it since. Upon awakening the second time from this seemingly horrible dream, I said "Okay, you've got my attention." I sat and thought about the dream. Carl Jung proposed that the dream characters are not who they appear to be, rather they are aspects of yourself. So that's where I started. Why would I poison myself? Immediately I knew what the message from the dream was. Every day in my coming home to nap for a couple of hours between students I was wasting my time. I might as well die an early death. With all the time I was losing sleeping when I didn't need to sleep I could have done so much. That was the last unnecessary nap I took.
Dreams are powerful things. So are ruts. So live deliberately, delve into your dreams and stick to a good path even if it is a little rutted.
