Friends with Benefits

Warning: This may not be about what you think it's about.

As I plod through writing my novel I see some themes – unintentional as well as intentional. One is recognizing that we all live here together for a reason. We do not each inhabit an island or cave alone because we need each other and we are each needed.

I woke up this morning thinking about friends of mine – close and distant – and what I’ve learned from them and in what ways I want to be more like them. I’m going to share some with you in hopes that you will recognize things in your friends worthy of emulating as well as your own characteristics that strengthen those around you.

I’ll begin with my friend Victoria. I met Victoria in Tashkent where she held the position of Community Liaison Officer. Victoria is very social I spent two fun-filled years with her. We often ate out together in large groups. Now I must pause for a confessional. I am not a dainty eater. Douglas and I once ate out at a restaurant where he ordered a chicken salad and I ordered the half pound burger. The back waiter brought our meals, plunked the salad down in front of me and the burger in front of Douglas. “Uh-uh.” I said as I swirled my finger to get him to rearrange the plates. (I ate the entire burger, fries and Pepsi.) I wish I could eat more like Vica. She’ll first take a moment to look at her food, point out this and that to her neighbors then take out her camera to photograph it. My food lands in front of me? My fork is in my hand. Vica will gaze around the table to be sure that everyone is served and will sometimes wait to eat. I go by the old standby that if both your neighbors have food you may eat. She’ll eventually take a bite, often comment and ask how everyone else’s food is. She’ll have another bite then get involved in a conversation. I do more listening when I’m eating. I’m pretty good about not talking with food in my mouth and since there is usually food in my mouth when I’m eating out, I listen. Vica will leave her seat to visit other parts of the table to see how everyone is while her food is sitting on her plate. She’ll chat, return to her seat for a bite, then visit another part of the table for another conversation. It takes Vica 45 minutes to eat what I put down in about 12. I wish I was more like Vica when I eat. Thank you Victoria.

My friend Rachel whom I met in Munich always looks good. She looks her best whenever she goes out. Rachel is not a clothes hound nor does she overdo make up, she just looks good always. She’ll pair unexpected colors or pieces of clothing together and always has at least a small accessory on her. She does not always lug around the same purse. It really doesn’t take that long to look good and I wish I’d take the time to do it. I want to stop thinking “I’m just going to the grocery store” or wherever. It’s best to be consistent. I got busted in Munich after confessing how handsome my neurologist was when I’d put myself together for an appointment, but not to go to the store. Thank you Rachel.

My friend Julie, whom I also know from Munich, is joy walking on earth. Example: I was walking down a new area of town to meet with the Creative Group. I was a little nervous about finding my way, but succeeding when I heard a light sing-songy voice warble my name, “Lau—raaaah!” It was Julie. I was so comforted to be able to walk the rest of the way with her and her voice will ring in my ears and memory for years. If Julie will forgive me I must say that that is not always the best way to get someone’s attention. Julie and I were meeting up with Rachel at some crowded, noisy street even in Munich. We spotted her through the crowd a short distance from us. “Raaa-chelll!” Julie warbled. No good. Rachel couldn’t hear her. “RACHEL! “ I bellowed. That she heard. But back to Julie. She is not artificial nor is she devoid of negative emotion. She sees the proper time for the airing of grievances and sorrows and separates that from the time for relaxing in the company of good friends. There was a time I met up with my friend Karen who had moved away. We missed each other dearly. While we were having lunch she kindly told me that I was so negative that she was having a hard time with it and was worried about me. She was right, I was negative – complaining and noticing everything wrong and pointing it out. I changed after that, but Julie shows me that there is another level I can achieve. Thank you Julie.

Since I’ve mentioned Karen I’ll tell you something else I got from her. Karen has great posture. She’s tall. Many tall people will not carry themselves to their fullest height, but Karen does, it looks good and it rubbed off on me. Thank you Karen.

My friend Calliope is witty. Dorothy Parker witty. Winston Churchill witty. Oscar Wilde witty. And I wish I was. I wish I could recite poetry, conjure up verbal picture with my speech, sing songs with all the lyrics and cast off quotes – and cite them – the way my friend Calliope can. She writes as well as she speaks. Why she’s not published I don’t know. I wish I was as clever with words and had the recall that Calliope has. Thank you Calliope.

My friend Jennifer laughs beautifully. She laughs even when she's heard the joke too many times. She laughs even when it's not that funny. She laughs, I suspect, to let the person know she appreciates their effort and to encourage lighthearted behavior. I'm guilty of repeating favorite stories and jokes so, thanks to Jennifer, I've decided that I can laugh when I hear my family or friends tell me again about the time the cat got stuck in the toilet or whatever. It brings them delight. Jennifer's laugh brings delight and I hope mine can too. Thank you Jennifer.

Sometimes acquaintances and strangers make impressions of me. I’ll see the way someone handles an awkward situation with grace and think, “I can do that!” I was a fan of Walt Richardson and the Morning Star Band when I lived in Phoenix. One night while they were performing some guy jumped up on the stage with a beer and danced around singing into the bottle. Walt didn’t move, he just watched the guy. After about 20 seconds or so the guy jumped down, laughing and pleased with himself. Walt waited to catch his eye. When he did, he simply shook his head and said “Don’t do that, man.” He didn’t say it into a microphone to embarrass the guy, he just said it to him. The guy caused no more problems. How many people would have reacted in frustration or anger? How many would have called for security to remove him? Not Walt. Thank you Walt for setting a good example.

I recently read about a guy who decided to do one good deed a day for a year. I’m ashamed to admit that my first reaction was to roll my eyes. One good deed a day??? Ooohh . . . Then I thought, good for him. Then I thought, I’ll do that. (Thank you stranger.) I’m trying to not do the same good deed every day, though that’s hard as one of my good deeds is to carry a plastic sack with me when I walk to pick up recyclable litter strewn in the streets. I’m hoping to set a good example so that others will. I’m also hoping that those who are lazy and selfish enough to litter will feel guilty seeing me pick it up. The other good deed I’ve decided to do periodically is to visit an elderly neighbor when I’m on my way to the grocery store to see if he needs anything. Picking up the trash is gross, but asking your neighbor if they need anything from the store is easy. Consider yourself challenged, dear readers.