A Fast from Guilt

This Lent I've decided to give up guilt.

Stop laughing. My life is not one long Mardi Gras, one long Fat Tuesday turning me into Fat Laura. Quite the opposite.

One of the first things I've learned is that giving up guilt is a lot easier - now listen closely - when you don't do anything you shouldn't. In fact, I believe it can be a complete success. I don't know, because I'm still doing things I shouldn't.

Case in point: I really wanted a Pepsi one day last week. I'd had two doctor's appointments downtown. It was a beautiful, sunny, seventy-seven degree day and I passed a 7-11 on my walk home. I stopped in only to find the soda fountain out of order. Fie! I had to be good. I know, I could have bought a bottle, but I like my special blend of half diet and half regular in vain effort to cut some sugar out of my diet. Later I arrived at the church early to help catalog and file music. I walked to the 7-11 next door to get that Pepsi. The diet Pepsi was out; I only got a spray of vaguely caramel colored fizzy water. Now my inner voice - the one I'm supposed to be listening to and abiding by - was screaming leave! No Pepsi today! But the stubborn me was adamant. I turned to the only employee in sight who was on the register with a long line waiting. I went to the back room and called. No answer. I got in line. And waited. And waited. I tried to ignore my inner voice by stepping out of line to pour out some of the carbonated water and add a bit of regular Pepsi to sip as I waited. I was really craving it now, brothers and sisters. I stepped back into line and waited. And waited. And somewhat curbed my craving. When it was my turn, I asked the clerk if there was someone else there who could fix the Pepsi dispenser. No. I showed him my watered down drink and said I didn't want it and didn't know what to do with it. I'm a regular there. He shrugged and waved me off. I left with a half cup of watered down Pepsi. I left with my Pepsi craving somewhat satisfied, but otherwise feeling foolish and guilty, admonishing myself for not taking the load (after load, after load) of bricks that came tumbling down on me as a clear directive to do without Pepsi.

That's the kind of guilt I should have.

The kind of guilt I want to shake off is the kind that, after spending thirty minutes on the bike, says I notice you skipped work again. The kind that, after a day of practicing music, exercising, cleaning the house, saying my prayers says, did you write anything today? Why not? You'll never finish that novel. You'll never get published. That's the guilt I want a break from. Preferably a permanent break.

What or who is it in me that finds fault with thirty minutes of exercise or a day well spent minus one single element? Where do I get such high standards?

I'm in a book discussion group that is reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I'm only through chapter three. I alternately get so excited reading it that I have to walk away to write and think or I find myself yelling at him, how can you say that? It does make for good thought and discussion. The first law is be impeccable with your word. My interpretation of one of his points is speak uplifting to all, including yourself. By cultivating that behavior you cause your mind to be less receptive (fertile) to negative, damaging talk like gossip. I like that idea. Then he claims that you are working against yourself every time you put blame on yourself. I understand his point in what I wrote in the paragraph above, but what if I cheated on Douglas? Wouldn't it be working against myself to not recognize my culpability in that?

The second agreement is to not take anything personally - including those inner voices that always seem to be against you. It's a good book for me to be reading and discussing with others.

A source of guilt for me is wasting time. I'm not employed, so my work is, for the most part, done in my own time. I have to show up for rehearsals, church and performances on time, otherwise I practice, write, cook, and maintain the house when I do. Two friends whom I love and respect don't see any use of their time as a waste. As long as they are doing what feels good, what they want to do, they don't see if as a waste. I don't think I'm capable of that. If Douglas and I run out of prepared meals, I have the responsibility to prepare another one. That's part of my job. If I haven't cleaned the house in two weeks, I need to make the time to do it. If I choose to lie around reading a book or playing a game instead, that's wasting time and it's wrong. On the other hand, if I spend four hours cleaning and pressing Douglas's shirts and I want to take a break, lie on my back and play Scrabble, fine.

I like what Mr. Ruiz says about sin. He says when you think something against yourself, it's sin. I don't know if it's that simple, but, as God has a presence in us, that's a good, broad base. Kind of like you can replace many of the rules and laws in the scriptures with the single directive to love. Instead of saddling ourselves with lists of rules, face each day more simply. Is this showing love? Is this uplifting? Am I contributing to order or chaos? There are times we need our hands held, so we have the ten commandments. Then there are times we can think more clearly on our own and live the fruits of the spirit without concerning ourselves with assigned and forbidden behaviors.

I guess what I want is a finely tuned, well functioning conscience. When I'm out of line, I want to know it. When I've done my best I want to feel good about my efforts regardless of the outcome.

There's an element of necessity in guilt. If I never felt the repercussions of wrongdoing, I'd be one step into sociopathy. I'm hoping that, in not getting caught up in constantly upping the bar and allowing for no lapses in judgement, I will go easier on others as well as myself.

I'm already experiencing a bit of freedom in warding off guilt. I don't spend time rationalizing my behavior to myself. It's mindful: What am I doing right now? Is it worthy of my time and attention? I recently wrote about change for my church newsletter. Giving up guilt involves changing perspective, attitude and thought responses. It has given me pause to dig around for other feelings when I think I'm feeling guilty. I'm not simply trying to toss aside guilt in doing this. I just want to keep it in its proper place. I've read that we tend to feel - or be aware of - very few emotions when there are actually an array of emotions. It has become popular to boil everything down to fear. Anyone who disagrees with  something is afraid of something. Simple, but thoughtless and not always accurate. Same with me and guilt, I think. It's one of my go-to emotions and I want to search to see what lies beneath it. I already notice that I'll assign guilt to myself when, in actuality, I'm disappointed in myself. Disappointment is a far cry from guilt. I know that. Now I need to live it.

Do you have any go-to emotions worth taking a second look at? I know someone whose first response to anything displeasing is anger. That was me for years until I shoved anger aside and uncovered sorrow, confusion, discomfort and, yes, some fear. Trying to deal with anger while sad didn't work. It was like treating a digestive problem with a cough drop.

So, here's to emotions! Cheers! I wonder. . . I wonder if, in uncovering, naming and dealing with our true emotions, we can start the same trend in society. Maybe we can learn what is at the root of all these mass shootings, sexual harassment and abuse, propagation of lies and many other of societies ills.