Often when I'm having a hard time with this isolation, I take a walk or go for a run. Both make me feel better. Usually. Today I took two walks. The first with Douglas, the second alone. The second walk almost made the day worse, because I walked by a couple of men sitting on opposite sides of a fire pit talking. A minute later, I passed some friends (friendly acquaintances, really) sitting around a fire with a couple of men, also talking. I was so envious, it pained me. I wished so strongly that they'd invite me to join them.
This self-pity didn't last long. I knew they needed that time together as they were, with people they were closer to. We from Vladivostok are the outsiders here. I don't feel like we're treated as such. No. People have been very welcoming, but they have established friendships here. (The couple around the second fire pit were in Vladivostok before Moscow, that's how we know them; they've, rightly, moved on.) In Vlad, we have a fire pit that we sit around. That thought both soothed me (I was able to reflect on good memories and know that we'll do it again one day) and made it worse, in that it showed me exactly what I was missing and needed.
I came home and told Douglas that I was having a hard day, and he told me that he was too. He has three difficult, demanding writing projects hanging over his head he needs to complete. So we held each other, commiserated, then sat quietly reading and munching on apples and oranges.
It's days like this that I look forward to the sun setting, as it is now. I made it through another day without falling apart.
I chose this gloomy picture to accompany my mood. Sometimes gloom is beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment